On: Love

November 20, 2024 (2m ago)24 views

While visiting me in 2023, my dad received a call from my mom, who told him that my big cousin had something to share with him.

Let me tell y'all about my big cousin. She had suffered from multiple strokes which left her paralyzed. My dad was her primary caretaker when her mom, my big auntie, was not able to. For over a decade, she was bedridden and couldn't speak, so she had a letter board that she would use to communicate. I wasn't around much during these years, but I talked to my dad a lot and since he took care of her I would check in and ask how she was doing.

This particular day in Seattle, she had something to share that she wouldn't even share with my mom. My dad explained to her, over the phone, that he was away and couldn't be there for her. Thankfully, she agreed to share what she wanted to if my younger brother (the oldest of the two) came and talked with her using the board. So he did. Mind you, me and my dad are experiencing all of this over the phone in Seattle.

When my brother gets there, he goes through the board with her, row by row, letter by letter, until finally, she's communicated that her mom had given her alcohol. I wasn't sure how to react.

I didn't say anything, and my brother hadn't either, but my dad began to question her. He asked her questions such as "Do you think your mother, who has taken care of you all of this time, would hurt you?". Thoughts began to race in my head. Was this the first time this happened? Was it only her first time speaking out? She trusted noone enough to tell but my dad, and in the moment it seemed like he didn't believe her.

I'm older now, and this particular incident seems so much complex to me now than it did then. In that extremely vulnerable moment, there were so many sides to be considered. It felt like there were so many years of unaddressed emotional pain that it seemed were finally coming to the surface. I've wondered why my dad didn't just believe her, why question her, but I was only interpreting what I saw on the surface. His two children were there experiencing this with him. I think as he asked those questions to her, he may have also known how confusing it was for me and my brother.

Anyways, I wrote this poem on love, and want to dedicate it to my big cousin, NeferTITI Chambers, who completed her transition on June 7, 2023.

So
What is love?
But just another word
Filling space
In place of action
What is love?
But 4 letters reducing
Feelings irreducable
What is love?
But vibrations
Echoing
Off of the lips
Of love itself

I love you.